faith and forgiveness

these two words go hand in hand with eachother for me right now.

the faith i have has led to this forgiveness.


maybe i will be punished for this blind faith, or maybe i will be rewarded. like someone believing in a religion, if proven wrong, left with nothing, if proven correct, eternal bliss.

i dont know.

we get on so well, but i fear that could go away again. i dont think you can ever have me again...



i just dont know

The future and now.

Still now I remain ignorant, even with my continued efforts to stay ahead of this silly game we all play. Will I ever learn?



The way humans socialize is so interesting compared to that of other animals. The way we build relationships, the way we spend most of our time in our peer groups, never really getting anything done that furthers the progress of our species. Just sitting around talking about fads and crazes that our society have created for us, discussing nothing of substance, most of it shit, making us no better as a people.

None of us really mean anything, in twenty years none of this will even be remembered, "the blogs i wrote as a teen" will evoke vague feelings of nostalgia as I struggle to remember what ill concocted notions I had about the world around me.

In a further seventy years we will all be merely names on a gravestone, maybe we made a slight change to society, but still none of it will be great enough for our names to withstand the tests of time and human memory.

Nothing feels significant anymore, it all feels like a play that i am forced to act in, it has all begun to feel surreal, death is beginning to intrigue me more and more. After death do we have time to eternally rest? Should I then be exerting the most energy into this life as possible? Or should i just be holding out for this period of rest?

I doubt we do get time to rest though, this life is just the next life on from the last one and the one preceding the next, after death our consciousness will continue on and either become one with the all and the everything, or it is given another chance to prove itself. So, if this is the case, then shouldnt i be trying my utmost best to lead the best life i possibly can?

not distant. not really...

i have to look away, to find myself, to find thoughts and words, otherwise i would lose myself forever.

Albus.

why dont my eyes smile?

i hate it.


when i smile its because i am genuinely happy, or looking at someone that makes me happy, so then why do my eyes not smile? making me look like im just faking it all....

one day i will learn to smile like Albus Dumbledore, his whole face lights up when he smiles, and you can see the happiness radiate out of his eyes

another weekend.

This weekend was so wonderful, everything is starting to make sense again, the confusion i felt on thursday is long gone, lets just hope i dont fuck this up before its already began....


Last night was so amazing, i loved spending time with you so much, you are amazing, i wonder if you feel the same....